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"I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now
I'm going to die another day" - Madonna
My fellow comrades, it is time to come clean with my situation and give you a really deep insight into my current situation. I have been away for many moons, struggling internally with this project. The mental has been weak, the will, the self esteem, suffering like a stray dog walking a cold alley way in the dead of winter. My body has been up and down, fluxuating worse than Oprah Winfrey herself. I lose weight, and then I gain weight, but the status stays the same. While I train extremely hard, my eating habits get the better of me, and it all comes down to a push. I ask myself if I am really behind this project. I ask myself whether or not it really matters in the long run; whether I can really honestly make the changes I need to make. Defeated and weakened, I am afraid the answer is simply "no". No, I cannot do what I set out to do.
What seemed simple at first has become difficult and unmanagable. I have become closed up again, and cannot bring myself to string together consecutive weight losses. Because of this, my mind has become clouded and I am again embarrassed with how I look and feel. I neglect my photo updates out of shame and a false sense of how I truly look. I have alienated my fans, my friends and family like Amy McClain and Melissa March, and especially my web-designer and one of my best friends Colin DeRooy. These people have put their faith in me, and worked really hard to help me get where I need to be. It is a sad day to have to say that I am not strong enough to complete my goals and change my mentality and poor habits. In the end, where other people have beaten the odds and done it themselves, I need to do something drastic and extreme. Kru Craig Moser, my Muay Thai Instructor and really close friend has provided me with just that avenue.
On April 1st, 2009 I am leaving the country for a month and taking my training to Bangplee Thailand. I have decided that if I cannot commit to this project on a simple day to day basis, then I am going to shut it down and reboot. I am going to leave my job, my family, my friends, and my deplorable lifestyle behind for a month and focus completely on my training. Through Siam Muay Thai and kickboxing in Regina, I have been given an opportunity to attend a Muay Thai training camp called Fairtex for the month of April, located in Bangplee. This camp is a dedicated Thai boxing school with professional Champion caliber trainers, and it runs twice a day 6 days a week. I will be there for all of April, and so I will get the opportunity to seperate myself from anything distracting and get a running start on my 2009 goals.
This is an extreme measure. Thailand will be a humid 45 degrees, and I will be running twice a day and Thai boxing twice a day in that sweltering sauna of a country. The elements themselves will help me break and crush mental barriers and keep me driven. The training is intense and will add flexibility, cardio, and physical speed and strength to my arsenal. This whole experience will arm me with the tools and mindset I need to come back and launch yet another assault on my broken down lifestyle. Failure has become all too familiar lately, and I have flooded this website with broken promises and a lot of empty talk. This is unacceptable and I cannot think of anything else I can do to be successful. You wanted to see the realism of a guy struggling with weight loss, here I am and here it is.
Sadly enough I wont be able to post much on here from Thailand, however I will jump on at an internet cafe and put up some really quick updates and possibly some photos of training. I pushed my video channel launch date back yet again, but I may be able to post some videos of training while Im there as well. Thank you to those who are STILL here, and STILL support me through the rough times, especially the times where it seems like nothing is happening at HJ.com. It is so incredible to know that 7 months later with minimal results I still have people behind me pushing me to keep making changes.
Before I sign off and take flight this coming Wednesday, a very special thanks goes out to my uncle Gene Jakatar, for giving me a small but highly effective dose of inspiration. From his lips to this web page, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change". Wish me luck, and my love goes out to everybody reading this right now, because it shows that we are all one big family of people trying to change, lead, and inspire eachother.
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